Still. - 10/27/14

...ain't shit changed.
The same flowers come back
After each time it rains.
Your roots lie deep;
A garden sewn that I can't seem to reap.
It's just so beautiful to see...
But it's a terrible place for my thoughts to be.
It's amazing how reminiscing creates a gentle breeze,
Causing the flowers to sway back and forth,
A peaceful view of something much more troublesome:
Missing something I never really had.
This happens every time.
I say I won't get sucked in,
But the fragrance takes my mind,
And the view leaves me blind.
I stand amid the flowers,
And I fall in. I'm all in.
I begin the task of tending,
Pretending like I don't know the ending,
Like I'm not losing time dreaming of winning,
Like my heart isn't breaking...
When it's over backwards that I'm bending.
I rationalize it as a labor of love;
Putting in work for a bountiful yield.
Yet, when it's all said and done,
I'm standing alone in an empty field.
See...
The sunshine always fades away.
You come around with a few things to say,
Only to become distant, disappear,
Leave my skies grey.
The flowers wilt and eventually die.
I cry. Ask myself why.
Rain pours as I seek to extricate the roots,
And I get caught up as I try.
I don't want to stop caring,
But it always feels like you do,
When it comes to having a place in my life.
...and being hurt isn't cool.
Neither is feeling like a fool.
So I recover, resetting my heart and mind.
Moving forward is a function of forgiveness and time.
Maybe you're afraid of commitment,
Afraid of something real. Afraid of how you feel.
Or just not ready to admit it to yourself.
In any case, I'm ready to tell you to find someone else.
However, before I escape your grasp,
You come back and shine.
Radiant; familiar; warm.
That light I've always seen in you.
That light I can never say "no" to.
...ain't shit changed.
The same flowers come back
After each time it rains.
Your roots lie so deep.
A garden sewn that I just can't reap...
Joy, brought, that I just can't keep.

-A. Lewis