Loose Change and Crumbs - 10/22/14

Loose change and crumbs.
That's all that's left.
Even though I'm sitting here mad at you,
I'm disgusted at myself.
Laid my heart out like a sofa,
A cushioned place just for you and your love...
And all you did was wear it out.
Left me with nothing but loose change and crumbs,
Struggling to clean up a mess of self-doubt.
I gave everything I had.
All of it.
In the beginning, it seemed like it was worth it.
You reclined from time to time,
But it always felt like you kept my feelings in mind.
There was reciprocity, but it was tainted by inequality.
You had your place in my heart,
Yet I was always a visitor in yours;
Seeking space, a place,
A spot I could call my own.
Meanwhile, for you,
I turned my house into a home.
I was even willing to invite you in,
Just so you could relax alone...
Escaping your world to chill in mine.
As we indulged in each other...
Well, you indulged in me.
Anything I gave, you devoured.
Cleaning up your messes became tedious;
From meditating for a few minutes,
To crying on the phone for hours.
In bouts with self-doubt,
I blamed myself, so I offered you more.
Gave all of my value,
Just to, ironically, become love-poor.
Hundreds of hope;
Fifties of faith;
Twenties of trust;
Tens of truth;
Fives of fight; yes, I fought for us.
Ones of oneness...
Had me checking my balance in many ways.
When I should've been considering it for myself,
I offered you my last:
Change.
With nothing left to give,
Everything stayed the same.
You didn't offer anything,
But got upset when you no longer stood to gain.
So after having your fill of my body,
Feasting on my love,
And sustaining yourself with my hearty soul,
You got up and walked away.
The remnants...they stay.
I search through the cushions to find them.
Pieces of the best of me...
Relics of the rest of me...
Loose change and crumbs.
That's all that's left.
Even though I'm mad about how you treated me,
I'm disgusted by how I treated myself.

-A. Lewis