4:10 AM - 10/29/14

I just want to know who you're fucking with.
Who do you argue over nothing with?
Who isn't doing enough?
Who's dropping the ball, fumbling,
So I can scoop you up?
Let me know.
Give me the word,
And it's on.
Just like that.
Never been one to be pressed for a woman,
But your greatness is an undeniable fact.
It's so clear to me...like I was made to see it.
It hurts me to see you behave like you're defeated.
Tired of a man promising changes that don't come
A man that hears your love calling, but won't run
A man that won't put in the work, but wants the fun.
I'd never put down another man to uplift myself,
But the situation speaks for itself;
You can do better.
We can make it happen whenever.
Even if you need time to detach your feelings,
That's cool.
I'm no fool;
I know a woman worth waiting for when I see her.
The type to make a man stop and think:
"Have I found the missing link?"
Yeah...that's you.
Wanted. Desired.
I won't chase behind you,
But, I'd love to take you higher.
Let's build something.
I know he isn't really your man,
So pay that no mind.
We'll just go out and have a good time.
I'm looking forward to it;
You've been on my mind.
Can't wait to make you mine.

-A. Lewis

Still. - 10/27/14

...ain't shit changed.
The same flowers come back
After each time it rains.
Your roots lie deep;
A garden sewn that I can't seem to reap.
It's just so beautiful to see...
But it's a terrible place for my thoughts to be.
It's amazing how reminiscing creates a gentle breeze,
Causing the flowers to sway back and forth,
A peaceful view of something much more troublesome:
Missing something I never really had.
This happens every time.
I say I won't get sucked in,
But the fragrance takes my mind,
And the view leaves me blind.
I stand amid the flowers,
And I fall in. I'm all in.
I begin the task of tending,
Pretending like I don't know the ending,
Like I'm not losing time dreaming of winning,
Like my heart isn't breaking...
When it's over backwards that I'm bending.
I rationalize it as a labor of love;
Putting in work for a bountiful yield.
Yet, when it's all said and done,
I'm standing alone in an empty field.
See...
The sunshine always fades away.
You come around with a few things to say,
Only to become distant, disappear,
Leave my skies grey.
The flowers wilt and eventually die.
I cry. Ask myself why.
Rain pours as I seek to extricate the roots,
And I get caught up as I try.
I don't want to stop caring,
But it always feels like you do,
When it comes to having a place in my life.
...and being hurt isn't cool.
Neither is feeling like a fool.
So I recover, resetting my heart and mind.
Moving forward is a function of forgiveness and time.
Maybe you're afraid of commitment,
Afraid of something real. Afraid of how you feel.
Or just not ready to admit it to yourself.
In any case, I'm ready to tell you to find someone else.
However, before I escape your grasp,
You come back and shine.
Radiant; familiar; warm.
That light I've always seen in you.
That light I can never say "no" to.
...ain't shit changed.
The same flowers come back
After each time it rains.
Your roots lie so deep.
A garden sewn that I just can't reap...
Joy, brought, that I just can't keep.

-A. Lewis

Loose Change and Crumbs - 10/22/14

Loose change and crumbs.
That's all that's left.
Even though I'm sitting here mad at you,
I'm disgusted at myself.
Laid my heart out like a sofa,
A cushioned place just for you and your love...
And all you did was wear it out.
Left me with nothing but loose change and crumbs,
Struggling to clean up a mess of self-doubt.
I gave everything I had.
All of it.
In the beginning, it seemed like it was worth it.
You reclined from time to time,
But it always felt like you kept my feelings in mind.
There was reciprocity, but it was tainted by inequality.
You had your place in my heart,
Yet I was always a visitor in yours;
Seeking space, a place,
A spot I could call my own.
Meanwhile, for you,
I turned my house into a home.
I was even willing to invite you in,
Just so you could relax alone...
Escaping your world to chill in mine.
As we indulged in each other...
Well, you indulged in me.
Anything I gave, you devoured.
Cleaning up your messes became tedious;
From meditating for a few minutes,
To crying on the phone for hours.
In bouts with self-doubt,
I blamed myself, so I offered you more.
Gave all of my value,
Just to, ironically, become love-poor.
Hundreds of hope;
Fifties of faith;
Twenties of trust;
Tens of truth;
Fives of fight; yes, I fought for us.
Ones of oneness...
Had me checking my balance in many ways.
When I should've been considering it for myself,
I offered you my last:
Change.
With nothing left to give,
Everything stayed the same.
You didn't offer anything,
But got upset when you no longer stood to gain.
So after having your fill of my body,
Feasting on my love,
And sustaining yourself with my hearty soul,
You got up and walked away.
The remnants...they stay.
I search through the cushions to find them.
Pieces of the best of me...
Relics of the rest of me...
Loose change and crumbs.
That's all that's left.
Even though I'm mad about how you treated me,
I'm disgusted by how I treated myself.

-A. Lewis

Late Night Drafts - 10/11/14

You know I'm a writer, right?
Well, let me be creative...
Pen a story of passion,
Written by tongue.
From deliberate to frivolous,
Strokes of the utensil
Create words that manifest.
The majority are vulgar,
But that's simply your translation.
I'm encouraged by your exhortations,
Even if they are profane exclamations.
Your nerve system is a blank tablet;
I'm only filling it with sensation,
Stimulating synapses with each stanza.
Your body writhes as pages turn;
Anticipation builds for the climax.
A tale of desire draws near completion;
Words become mere sounds,
Onomatopoeias abound.
Now authoring in cursive,
The pen swirls passionately around.
Pages turning,
Muscles tightening and hips churning,
And then...
I drown.

-A. Lewis

4:19 AM - 10/10/14

Your image swims in pools of words I'll never say to you...
In lakes of possibilities I'll never explore,
In oceans of feelings I'll never share.
It's not that I don't want you to know,
Nor am I afraid of hearing you say no.
I just fear the places we could go.
You'd have the keys to me
Long before learning how I like to be handled,
Before knowing where I want to be,
Before acknowledging how I want to get there,
Before appreciating how I got to where I am.
That is a recipe for certain disaster.
A rapt mind and a pleased body will belie the soul.
Even if you stimulate my mind
And satisfy my flesh,
Will you be willing to explore the labyrinths within me?
Will you desire to help scabs become scars?
Will you insist on uplifting me
When my thoughts become most cumbersome?
I'm not trying to be let down.
I don't expect the world of you,
But I see you have the potential to give that much.
If I hold you to that and you don't deliver,
Whose disappointment is it?
Yours for not being who you could be?
Or mine for believing in who I thought you should be?
That's a quandary that too many young people get lost in.
So, your image swims in a pool of words I'll never say to you,
In lakes of possibilities I'll never explore,
In oceans of feelings I'll never share.

-A. Lewis