5:04 AM

They say timing is everything.
I suppose that's why
Us having something
Feels like it will end up as nothing at all.
They say you have to walk before you crawl.
We've been sprinting since we met,
And neither of us is tired yet.
The whirlwind has swept away the cobwebs,
Dashed away any doubts,
And made us dizzy with delight.
Texts sent upon awaking,
And we fall asleep on the phone at night.
Why am I left with the feeling
That it's all just too right?
They say if it's too good to be true...
Well, you know the rest.
Why second-guess the best?
You make all others seem like second-best.
My heart beats so rapidly around you,
Folks would still hear it if I had a second chest.
The time we spend together is amazing;
Our time apart is an exercise in patience.
I just always want to be with you,
Basking in this infatuation.
I love how you incite my imagination.
..but I hate the occasional bouts of trepidation.
Wondering when the high will end,
When reality will snap back into place.
I just know the Hands of Time
Are ready to slap us across the face.
We're both young,
With so many places to go.
While the fire is strong between us,
There just isn't a stable place for it to grow.
That's why we continue to fall.
Convinced we can have it all,
When we can't even reach solid ground.
It won't be easy when we finally do come down,
We'll just have to deal when that time comes around.
I know they say timing is everything.
I suppose that's why
Us having something
Feels like it's better than nothing at all.
Time may run out on us, but at least we started our clock.
In a time of lackadaisical effort, we've given it all we've got.
No matter the ending, we had quite a run.
You'll always be special, even when it's said and done.

-TAA

Handwritten - 6/26/15

Let's go where wi-fi can't reach us, and practice real connectivity.
Leave the touchscreens, and find out about real levels of sensitivity.
Social media didn't ruin relationships,
And neither did technology.
However, both have changed how we communicate,
Which has affect our methodology.
Thanks to notifications, we're afraid to speak first or text twice.
Too busy worrying about how things might look,
Rather than what feels right.
Desiring companionship is considered everything but normal,
And often associated with weakness,
Yet people wonder why their outlooks are peppered with bleakness.
Profiles are facades, no matter how honest they are.
Without feeling our energy, no one can truly know who we really are.
Text messages lose the quality of tone;
Without it, the intended emotions and feelings are gone.
People are left with mere perception alone,
Which leads to misunderstandings aplenty.
I don't mean to imply that texts are empty,
But they often complicate conversations that could be had simply.
Beyond the tweets and messages,
Beyond the likes and comments,
There are deeper levels of connection;
The ones that make sparks fly like comets.
Rather than refresh feeds and pages,
We should be refreshing our minds and spirits in compelling places.
Mutual friends are cool, but what about connecting through mutual beliefs?
Rather than similar relationship goals,
What about mutual ambitions, and a desire to see each other succeed?
Seems like we focus on what we see on screens,
Which is ineffective, since we all curate those things.
Instead, we should be seeking admissions only heard in moments undressed by trust.
Meaningful facts that have to be bared.
We all choose what we share, but filters disappear when we care.
Our raw selves are rough, but our flaws are what make us perfect.
Requiring effort and understanding makes us worth it.
Conversation is a lost art; let's unearth it.
There are feelings to be felt that defy wording;
There are beautiful times to be had, and we all deserve it.

-TAA

Interested (In You) - 6/27/15

May my intentions reach your heart clearly,
And my actions speak loudly enough for your trust to hear me.
I understand that you have guards up,
But I'm not in the business of knocking walls down.
Instead of demolition, I hope I'm in a position
Where I make you laugh until the blockade falls down.
Of course I want you physically;
That's a part of attraction.
However, seeing you smile,
And being your spare calm when things get wild,
Mean more than providing sexual satisfaction.
...although I do plan on offering that in spades.
The thing is,
Sex too soon can lead to emotional escapades,
Since it escalates feelings exponentially:
From "we're just talking,"
To twitter and instagram stalking, instantly.
I'd much rather practice romance and friendship consistently,
Build on that consistency,
And see if our hearts begin to yearn for each other more insistently.
We can even both begin with options,
As long it's agreed that when sharing is no longer optional, we drop them.
Whatever it takes to see this through.
As the saying goes, I've got a love jones for you.
I'd be humbly thrilled to see you shine and grow in my light and love,
But for now, you're just the one I'm thinking of.
I look forward to getting to know you, and I mean that sincerely.
May my intentions reach your heart clearly,
And my actions speak loudly enough for your trust to hear me.

-TAA

3:18 AM

No matter how great a night turns out...
Before the lights turn out,
You'll creep up on me.
Getting home and chilling alone,
The events of the night slowly fade.
Despite the memories made,
I find myself thinking about you.
What's a good time without you?
It's always great to see you enjoy yourself;
Our great times are unlike any else.
I'd love to share my fun,
Seeing as I don't share these thoughts.
Instead,
I'll just go shower, and get in the bed,
Counting the sheep in your field of forget-me-nots.
The same place you always hide.
Maybe one day I'll close the chapter,
But for now, I'll settle for rest and close my eyes.

-TAA

6:05 AM

Why is it that every time I miss you
You make it seem like a non-issue?

Why is it that every time I want to see you
It feels like I don't even have a way to reach you?

Why do you always go missing?
When you know my feelings are so insistent...

...consistent, persistent.
All three apply.
When it comes to you,
The well just won't run dry.
I dig deeper and deeper,
All I do is try.
All I want is a little reciprocity,
And you just can't seem to comply.
Caring defies logic,
Yet, on my feelings, you can rely.
I'm always interested in your conversation,
Yet, I never want to pry.
I also want to tell you that I don't care anymore,
But, I'm not one to tell such a stark lie.
I've always felt we could be something special,
That our story was written in the sky.
I've been vocal about it all;
I've heard nothing even close to a reply.
I wish you'd give me some answers;
Maybe things would be clear enough for me to say "goodbye."
Deep down, you know nothing keeps a gentle heart around
Like letting it spin its wheels on the endless carousel of "why."
Too kind to get fed up,
Too hopeful to let "maybe" pass by.
Such is the nature of our bond;
The complexity of you and I.
It could all be so simple,
But before you let me get close, you'd rather die.
And you're afraid that letting me in
Would allow me to learn why.

-TAA

4:16 AM

My views on love
Have changed with the times.
Maybe...
Just maybe, you can change my mind.
It's tough out here.
Some bring old dirt into new homes;
Others shack up,
Just to more comfortably roam.
None of us really want to be alone,
But we don't even know how to thrive independently.
...which I suppose is why we develop dependency.
Feelings often seem mature
While connections are in their infancy.
Infatuation is just a matter of initial intensity,
Emotions overwhelmed by new stimulation.
Though sticky, it's a temporary situation;
That phase will give way to what's real,
Though that flame, that sensation
Should be a reminder of why both parties decided to build.
The thing is,
Someone worth the effort
Can be hard to find.
My views on love
Have changed with the times.
Maybe...
Just maybe, you can change my mind.
Dating often feels like work.
And no one wants to give effort to an eventual lost cause.
However,
We should all put the prognostication on pause.
We're so afraid of having the rug pulled,
So afraid of getting hurt, we won't even text people first.
Forever misconstruing "thirst,"
Tainting the future by assuming the worst.
Quite a defense mechanism,
Seeing as we're not really afraid of those things.
What's truly scary is someone seeing our true, raw selves,
And knowing what that means.
Giving someone the power to cut where the scars already are,
And knowing what that brings.
Vulnerability.
That's a word we avoid, a word we deny,
A word that leads to stories of affection told from one side.
Miscommunication runs rampant,
Trust issues end up at an all-time high.
It can be difficult to find someone
That simply inspires me to try.
The thing is,
My views on love
Have changed with the times.
Maybe...
Just maybe, you can change my mind.

-TAA

3:58 AM

I really do...
I still do.

I know I shouldn't,
But I still care.
The feelings
Those damn feelings
Still there.
Memories flicker
Like flames deep within in a cave;
I assume the winds of time will extinguish,
But they merely provide the sway.
Shadows dance along the walls,
And I care for you, yet another day.
We just couldn't get it right.
Attempting to connect
Was like trying to start a fire;
I suppose that's why sparks flew
I suppose that's why it burned us both.
I suppose that's why I still feel warmth,
When I hold those memories close.
Time may heal all wounds,
But it cannot make us immune
To the recurrent ache of heartbreak,
Nor spare us the gloom.
So, deep in the darkness of my scars
Where the light of learning a lesson can't reach,
Memories flicker
Like flames deep within a cave.
Still there.
Those damn feelings
The feelings.
I still care,
But, I know I shouldn't.

...yet, I still do.
I really do.

-TAA

4:44 AM

You'll hear from me
When I'm not hearing from anyone else.
That said...
I can't tell if I'm fooling you,
Or fooling myself.
Does it mean we're so close
That we don't have to talk often?
Our relationship is special,
And we do give each other room to blossom.
I mean...you are awesome.
But why do I only think of you when I'm lonesome?
Does it mean you're just convenient?
Sticking around, waiting for more,
Offering benefits that I'm reaping?
It's confusing...
But there's so much certainty.
I know you'll pick up.
I know you'll come.
I know it's good...
I know I'll come.
All that coming,
Yet we can't arrive at a conclusion.
Feels real in those moments...
But in retrospect, it's like an illusion.
...is it a delusion?
Are we deceived by how close we get
Not realizing how distant we really are?
Never more than a text away,
Doubts get sexed away,
But once getting pulled back in wears off,
Our personal lives seem really far.
Different pages
Different chapters
Different books
Different genres
What does that all mean,
If our love of reading is what we have in common?
We've searched for each other's deeper meanings
We appreciate how our life stories have been written
Most people just read a chapter or two
And think that first spark means they're smitten.
I wish our situation was that simple.
All of these feelings between us
Is it a mine field, or a garden of common ground?
I'm as uncertain as ever...
But, I'm sure I want you around.
...right now.
In this instant.
While my options have gone missing.
Need the security, the familiar warmth, of something consistent.

-A. Lewis

3:58 AM (Poem x Rant)

Tell me...
Is there a character limit to my approach?
Does the attention you receive
Lead you to believe
That your actions are above reproach?
Is articulation too much for the span of your attention?
If I go beyond 140 spaces,
Am I just "spam,"
And my interest isn't worth a mention?
Do you only want a love that you can share,
That you can retweet?
Do you only want a man that other women favorite,
So you can prematurely claim him to feel complete?
Would you then no longer like him
If he didn't inspire many to comment on what you all posted?
Intimacy is longer than six seconds,
And connections don't happen in a snap.
I swear sometimes,
It feels like all of this social media stuff is a trap.

We feel so important, so self-aware,
Yet there's details about everyone posted everywhere.
Our attention gets whittled down to the next update.
Only time our minds run normally?
When we're up late.
So concerned with the personas we create
That we can't even proficiently communicate
Or simply relate.
No one wants to simply be a post
A trending topic
A hashtag.
Relationships are so much more.
It's all about attention and status updates now, though
Far more than nurturing and developing a beautiful rapport.
A culture sharing and what's next...
A culture of serial dating and misleading sex.
Sharing ourselves like our pages
And no, that's not implicit slut shaming.
Quick to let our guards down because we want quick results.
Expedient vulnerability leading to even quicker heartbreak,
While the ones most deserving can't even get a fair shake.
Then there are those whose apathy is feigned
Paper walls up so high, emotions so restrained
So afraid of being hurt,
That they live in a land of familiar, maintained pain.
What an interesting state of affairs...
High stakes, higher pace.
People aren't profiles though.
Instead of seeking instantaneous, intense romance,
We need to learn to take things slow.
Coldly clicking, swiping, scrolling, and liking
But face-to-face conversation will always light fires that grow.

5:07 AM

Murky waters
The joy of swimming
The adrenaline rush of limited sight
I don't know where this is going.
I understand that it's flowing,
But it's all so unclear.
We're supposed to be in this together
Yet, you're nowhere near.
You used to be...
I suppose you've gotten used to me.
Dog-paddling in a pond of puppy love
Everything was great
Next thing I know,
I'm in an ocean of emotional commotion
And we don't really relate
While struggling to communicate.
Life jacket on to keep from getting hurt,
But it's filled with fear.
Learned to carry it from past experiences
I suppose I didn't learn enough
If all I do is prepare for more of the same.
Feelings deep enough to drown in
Too dark to locate the surface.
Was this done on purpose?
Do you confuse me to have me trapped?
Lost, bewildered,
Left with no choice other than eating from your lap?
Or was this an accident?
Simply what happens
When you're too deep too soon?
Nah...
If that were the case,
There wouldn't be so much darkness.
Deep down, the grey area became black.
I'm just trying to get back.
It's all too unclear.
I understand that it's flowing,
But I don't know where this is going.
The lack of sight is troubling
Swimming in my own confusion is tiresome
Murky waters.

-A. Lewis

6:13 AM

I've picked you up
I've put you down.
I've carried you with me,
At times,
And I've thrown you around.

I've left you here
I've left you there.
I've misplaced you many times,
Just to find you again,
All without a care.

I've broken you a few times
I've patched you up a bit.
Some were mistakes,
Some was negligence,
But I never apologized for any of it.

I've let you fall into the hands of others
I've snatched you back.
I've held you close to my chest
I've also let you slip through the cracks.

I never thought it would change
Never thought you'd be gone.
I treated you like a trinket
Now, someone treasures you as his own.

They say "you don't know what you have..."
Until absence supplants it
However, I knew exactly what was in my life;
I just willingly took it for granted.

-A. Lewis

4:57 AM

My knuckles might get sore

From rapping at your door

But there are things between us

We'd be fools to ignore. 

My pulse is on some deathly level

While anticipation lives and breeds.

The heart wants what it wants

But don't our souls have needs? 

Your vibrations are otherworldly...

Like nothing I've ever known. 

You're my vacation and staycation,

Taking me places I've never been,

And always feeling like home.

Feelings have more than grown...

They've blossomed. 

I'm here with a bouquet in my soul,

A garden of feelings in my heart,

Seeds requiring attention in my mind,

And a body that would rather root than be apart.

I knew you were special from the start,

But now you're even more.

My knuckles might get sore

From rapping at your door

But there are things between us

We'd be fools to ignore.

So will you let me in? 

I'm already there...

You already care...

Can the charade end?

'Cuz I'll keep knocking.

Pride has a finite lifespan

When it's employed for blocking.

The longer I'm here

The more your door's unlocking.

Time elapses more

Your defenses collapse, for sure

We now have a love that most adore

Because there are things between us

We refuse to ignore.

-A. Lewis

7:18 AM

Unrequited feelings
Slowly drift back into the darkness,
The echoing caverns of our souls,
At this time.
The rising sun
Vanquishes them,
Like the vampires they are.
Sucking the life
Out of the night's silence
With endless chatter
About emotional grey matter.
The morning puts it all to rest.
Life begins anew.
Do know, though,
That they will visit again.
Around 2 or 3 in the morning,
When "late" really sets in.
The echoing caverns of our souls
Will slowly drift back into the darkness
Of the night.
Unrequited feelings.

-A. Lewis

5:57 AM

I can't write enough rough drafts
To perfect a poem
About you.
I see exceptional
In the places
Where your confidence lapses.
Your aura
Often leaves me
In awe.
There aren't enough
Rhymes to describe
Your light.
Metaphors would fail
If tasked with conveying
How much I value you.
I write
To free my spirit
Of all these feelings.
You inspire me
So much.
...so much.

-A. Lewis

4:18 AM (Vibrations) - 1/16/15

Find your creativity. 

Unearth the fire nestled deep within you. 

There's something your soul yearns to share,

So figure out what it is, and do. 

Find your passion. 

Identify the things that seem to fulfill.

The ones that always feel good,

Even when you end up with a raw deal.

Find yourself.

You're not lost, but all souls need centering.

Locate your good place, your happy place,

And stay grounded there; bar ego from entering.

Search this earth,

Search the skies. 

Search oneself,

Search far and wide.

Be curious. Seek. 

Feel endlessly encouraged.

We would not be endowed with greatness,

If we weren't meant to flourish. 

-A. Lewis

4:10 AM - 10/29/14

I just want to know who you're fucking with.
Who do you argue over nothing with?
Who isn't doing enough?
Who's dropping the ball, fumbling,
So I can scoop you up?
Let me know.
Give me the word,
And it's on.
Just like that.
Never been one to be pressed for a woman,
But your greatness is an undeniable fact.
It's so clear to me...like I was made to see it.
It hurts me to see you behave like you're defeated.
Tired of a man promising changes that don't come
A man that hears your love calling, but won't run
A man that won't put in the work, but wants the fun.
I'd never put down another man to uplift myself,
But the situation speaks for itself;
You can do better.
We can make it happen whenever.
Even if you need time to detach your feelings,
That's cool.
I'm no fool;
I know a woman worth waiting for when I see her.
The type to make a man stop and think:
"Have I found the missing link?"
Yeah...that's you.
Wanted. Desired.
I won't chase behind you,
But, I'd love to take you higher.
Let's build something.
I know he isn't really your man,
So pay that no mind.
We'll just go out and have a good time.
I'm looking forward to it;
You've been on my mind.
Can't wait to make you mine.

-A. Lewis

Still. - 10/27/14

...ain't shit changed.
The same flowers come back
After each time it rains.
Your roots lie deep;
A garden sewn that I can't seem to reap.
It's just so beautiful to see...
But it's a terrible place for my thoughts to be.
It's amazing how reminiscing creates a gentle breeze,
Causing the flowers to sway back and forth,
A peaceful view of something much more troublesome:
Missing something I never really had.
This happens every time.
I say I won't get sucked in,
But the fragrance takes my mind,
And the view leaves me blind.
I stand amid the flowers,
And I fall in. I'm all in.
I begin the task of tending,
Pretending like I don't know the ending,
Like I'm not losing time dreaming of winning,
Like my heart isn't breaking...
When it's over backwards that I'm bending.
I rationalize it as a labor of love;
Putting in work for a bountiful yield.
Yet, when it's all said and done,
I'm standing alone in an empty field.
See...
The sunshine always fades away.
You come around with a few things to say,
Only to become distant, disappear,
Leave my skies grey.
The flowers wilt and eventually die.
I cry. Ask myself why.
Rain pours as I seek to extricate the roots,
And I get caught up as I try.
I don't want to stop caring,
But it always feels like you do,
When it comes to having a place in my life.
...and being hurt isn't cool.
Neither is feeling like a fool.
So I recover, resetting my heart and mind.
Moving forward is a function of forgiveness and time.
Maybe you're afraid of commitment,
Afraid of something real. Afraid of how you feel.
Or just not ready to admit it to yourself.
In any case, I'm ready to tell you to find someone else.
However, before I escape your grasp,
You come back and shine.
Radiant; familiar; warm.
That light I've always seen in you.
That light I can never say "no" to.
...ain't shit changed.
The same flowers come back
After each time it rains.
Your roots lie so deep.
A garden sewn that I just can't reap...
Joy, brought, that I just can't keep.

-A. Lewis

Loose Change and Crumbs - 10/22/14

Loose change and crumbs.
That's all that's left.
Even though I'm sitting here mad at you,
I'm disgusted at myself.
Laid my heart out like a sofa,
A cushioned place just for you and your love...
And all you did was wear it out.
Left me with nothing but loose change and crumbs,
Struggling to clean up a mess of self-doubt.
I gave everything I had.
All of it.
In the beginning, it seemed like it was worth it.
You reclined from time to time,
But it always felt like you kept my feelings in mind.
There was reciprocity, but it was tainted by inequality.
You had your place in my heart,
Yet I was always a visitor in yours;
Seeking space, a place,
A spot I could call my own.
Meanwhile, for you,
I turned my house into a home.
I was even willing to invite you in,
Just so you could relax alone...
Escaping your world to chill in mine.
As we indulged in each other...
Well, you indulged in me.
Anything I gave, you devoured.
Cleaning up your messes became tedious;
From meditating for a few minutes,
To crying on the phone for hours.
In bouts with self-doubt,
I blamed myself, so I offered you more.
Gave all of my value,
Just to, ironically, become love-poor.
Hundreds of hope;
Fifties of faith;
Twenties of trust;
Tens of truth;
Fives of fight; yes, I fought for us.
Ones of oneness...
Had me checking my balance in many ways.
When I should've been considering it for myself,
I offered you my last:
Change.
With nothing left to give,
Everything stayed the same.
You didn't offer anything,
But got upset when you no longer stood to gain.
So after having your fill of my body,
Feasting on my love,
And sustaining yourself with my hearty soul,
You got up and walked away.
The remnants...they stay.
I search through the cushions to find them.
Pieces of the best of me...
Relics of the rest of me...
Loose change and crumbs.
That's all that's left.
Even though I'm mad about how you treated me,
I'm disgusted by how I treated myself.

-A. Lewis

Late Night Drafts - 10/11/14

You know I'm a writer, right?
Well, let me be creative...
Pen a story of passion,
Written by tongue.
From deliberate to frivolous,
Strokes of the utensil
Create words that manifest.
The majority are vulgar,
But that's simply your translation.
I'm encouraged by your exhortations,
Even if they are profane exclamations.
Your nerve system is a blank tablet;
I'm only filling it with sensation,
Stimulating synapses with each stanza.
Your body writhes as pages turn;
Anticipation builds for the climax.
A tale of desire draws near completion;
Words become mere sounds,
Onomatopoeias abound.
Now authoring in cursive,
The pen swirls passionately around.
Pages turning,
Muscles tightening and hips churning,
And then...
I drown.

-A. Lewis

4:19 AM - 10/10/14

Your image swims in pools of words I'll never say to you...
In lakes of possibilities I'll never explore,
In oceans of feelings I'll never share.
It's not that I don't want you to know,
Nor am I afraid of hearing you say no.
I just fear the places we could go.
You'd have the keys to me
Long before learning how I like to be handled,
Before knowing where I want to be,
Before acknowledging how I want to get there,
Before appreciating how I got to where I am.
That is a recipe for certain disaster.
A rapt mind and a pleased body will belie the soul.
Even if you stimulate my mind
And satisfy my flesh,
Will you be willing to explore the labyrinths within me?
Will you desire to help scabs become scars?
Will you insist on uplifting me
When my thoughts become most cumbersome?
I'm not trying to be let down.
I don't expect the world of you,
But I see you have the potential to give that much.
If I hold you to that and you don't deliver,
Whose disappointment is it?
Yours for not being who you could be?
Or mine for believing in who I thought you should be?
That's a quandary that too many young people get lost in.
So, your image swims in a pool of words I'll never say to you,
In lakes of possibilities I'll never explore,
In oceans of feelings I'll never share.

-A. Lewis